The Difference Between Feeling Responsible and Taking Responsibility When Our Children Are Having a Hard Time

I wanted to share something with you that was really freeing for me at the beginning of my respectful parenting journey. Something that was what finally helped me to have the clarity I needed to step back and start dealing with tantrums more respectfully.

But first, I need to start with a basic of respectful parenting.

Your toddlers need to release big emotions (or as most people call them, tantrum) is normal, even necessary.

No really. That screaming, limp person on your kitchen floor is doing something normal.

Not every child tantrums, this is true. But for so many children their emotions are too big, too raw for them to process within themselves. There is nothing more healthy than for that child to let the emotions out, for they will eventually come out in one way or another.

There is nothing more healthy than for them to show us what they have going on inside so we can help them regulate it all.

The fact that this is normal behaviour helped me to put it in perspective. Kids do it, they need to, and not only that, it is healthy. These big, uncomfortable behaviours are not the result of something I had done wrong.

Realizing that emotional outbursts or unpleasant behaviors were not a reflection on my parenting freed me so much from the responsibility of them, and helped me to be in such a better place to help my children in these situations.

My favourite quote to remember when I am dealing with a tantrum, especially in public is:

The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour, but the parent's behaviour. 
- Andy Smithson

Think: I am not in control of my child's behaviour, I am not to blame for it. 

They are asking me for help, and I can give it. I am their giant, they cannot phase me.

The Difference Between Feeling Responsible and Taking Responsibility

I mentioned above that I was freed from feeling responsible for my child's behaviour, but I know this can cause some confusion. If I am not feeling responsible, does this mean I am detaching from my child, distancing myself in these moments?

Not at all! 

Instead I am taking responsibility for what my natural role is in situations when my child is having a hard time, communicating to me that they need me to act in the highest extent of this role. I am leader, I am safety, I am boundaries, I am calm, I am love.

Feeling responsible

We take the child's behaviour personally

We see it as a reflection of our abilities to parent well

We may feel triggered and powerless

We want the behaviour to stop at all costs

We feel conscious of the judgement of others

We are less likely to transmit unconditional love and acceptance

Taking responsibility

We see our children as small humans asking for help from the big humans in their lives

We see behaviours as the communication of needs and look to the root

We are able to react with maturity 

We transmit to our children that we are safe, that we are worthy leaders

We do not take things personally or place non-age appropriate expectations on our children

We model how a person in power should treat one who is less powerful

Okay, so what are some things we can do to take responsibility?

• We can help by sharing calm, just sitting with our child as they storm without judgement.

• We can take responsiblity by reviewing the situation and seeing where we may have missed an earlier cue, failed to prepare the environment, or not approached our child with an attitude of understanding. (This must always be done with an attitude of grace toward ourselves)

• We can apologize for any mistakes we made or impatience we may have had. 

•  We can take breaths, take a step back to regulate ourselves. Feeling overwhelmed, impatient or frustrated does not make us a bad person. But feeling them and overcoming them in front of our children is so helpful in co-regulation.

•  We can work on looking at our child with positive regard no matter what, accepting them as they are in the moment (especially when so many of us feel repulsed by our children in these behaviours - yeah, I said it) and knowing they are doing the best they can. 

• We can not worry, trusting that this too, shall pass. Our child will eventually learn to regulate, have emotional maturity, and process internally. Every tantrum that we share with them brings them closer to these integral abilities.

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.



God bless,


Olivia Fischer