Potty Learning With Montessori | Not Using Praise & Rewards

In the our potty learning 2.0 series, following Benedict's progress as he has learned to use the potty on his own, I have discussed signs of readiness, what we do to start, how to have a no pressure attitude, and the distinction between potty learning and potty training.

And to read how to approach Montessori potty learning from start to finish go here.

Seeing as it has been quite a while since I shared an update, so long, in fact, that he is completely through the process and using the potty for both day (and night) with minimal accidents, I thought it was time I shared.

* This post includes affiliate links at no cost to you. The Fishies in a Row earns a small commission on products purchased through these links and are so thankful for your support. 

The next thing I wanted to talk about when it comes to no-pressure potty learning, aligned with the Montessori method, was something that was hard for me to wrap my head around when I first started researching Montessori potty learning for Jerome.

The lack of praise.

No sticker charts. No prizes or candies for successful bathroom trips. No potty parties. No good jobs or exclamations about what a big kid they are.

Why Does Montessori Recommend Not Using Praise

In general, praise is not recommended because it takes away from the internal reward of the accomplishment, teaching the child to seek external rewards and validation for what they do.

In the case of potty learning, the child will naturally feel proud of their accomplishment, proud of their further independence, and with being able to master a new skill. This pride of accomplishment and independence is reward enough for the child.

Additionally, on the flip side of any evaluative praise is the natural opposite. If the child is to understand that to make it to the potty means they have done a good job are they also to understand that to not make it means they have done a bad job?

I hope not.

Especially since the wetting is all part of the natural progression of learning and understanding, a valuable component of grasping the cause and effect.

What about Self-Esteem?

I think, when parents hear about this lack of praise, there is a natural concern - will the child understand that I support them, that I am excited for them, that what they are doing is a good thing?Will the absence of praise negatively impact my child's self-esteem?

This is where I think it is important to point out that, while praise is discouraged, encouragement and enthusiasm are absolutely recommended. Smile, laugh with them, use enthusiastic tones with whatever you choose to say!

In conversation with your child, focus on descriptive comments and helpful observations, rather than evaluative language. If you want to read more about this distinction, I highly recommend this graph - it was a huge part in my finally understanding the balance.

For Benedict, it often looked like this:

Instead of good job, you made it to the potty. I would say something along the lines of: you felt like there was pee in your body and you knew you had to go to the potty. 

Or: I didn't know you could make it to the potty so fast. You really learned what it feels like when you need to go pee!

More often than not, he would say something like I did it and I would support and encourage him by smiling, and saying you look very proud of yourself! 

Okay, Wait a Minute, This Sounds Like Too Much for Me

Lastly, I wanted to state the obvious.

We are all human, and may not get this right every time. Having our child learn to use the potty, and the ensuing accidents can be a triggering and frustrating time for even the most patient of parents.

I know, even with the best of intentions, it was for me. There are only so many days in a row I could clean poop off the carpet before I vented a little bit of frustration.

No parent is perfect, and I think it is valuable to remember that, while these guidelines will help the potty learning process to be more peaceful and positive for your child, it does not require you to be perfect. If you have a reaction you are not proud of, or that you do not feel aligns with your intention for your child, allow yourself to learn from it and move past it.

In the spirit of full disclosure, it was after I had a big moment of frustration with Benedict that I was able to reevalute and realign myself with my intentions, and was, in the end, exaclty what I needed to help me return to the place of respect and freedom he needed.

This is the value of mistakes and the control of error as a Montessori parent.


Are you just getting started? Find links here:

Underwear here
Learning toilet options here | here
Books to read to normalize toiletting here | here
Mat to give everything a place here
Basket for new underwear here
Bucket for dirty underwear here


Thank you for following along with this series. If you are feel you need help discovering your parenting goals and intentions, I am excited to share an exclusive resource I created for the Fishies in a Row email family. Delve into what matters to you, and what your mission is for your family, with the free workbook below. Just click the green bar below to get started!

God bless,
Olivia Fischer