Respectful Parenting is For Your Family (Even if You Think Your Child is Incompatible)

After my post about Respectful Parenting Tips and Tricks for a More Peaceful Home, I realized there may be some questions about how Montessori or respectful parenting seems to be nice in theory but that it doesn't work for all children.

Aren't some children just more energetic, curious, aggressive, erratic, or otherwise inclined to misbehavior or attitudes that are harder to control?

Is it possible that your special child is capable of breaking the respectful parenting model, proving that some children just do not fit into this theory?

Read on to hear my thoughts on why I do not agree with this.

I would hate the be guilty of oversimplifying a very, very diverse issue, but I think it really boils down to this:

Respectful parenting is not about quick tips or tricks to produce the end result of well-behaved kids who listen to everything they are told. 

In fact, if you are using this as the measuring tool for the effectiveness of respectful parenting, you will not necessarily find it to be successful, at all.

I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved.
[Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting ]

If our motivation is simply to make our children behave, we are missing the most important factor to actually helping our children reach self-discipline, to fully internalize our values and lessons. The most effective way to transmit these lessons is through what we model, and how loved and respected they feel.

Not a Quick Fix

My points in my last post were geared, not toward the behavior of the child, so much as toward the behavior of the parent.

This focus in respectful parenting is why I think respectful parenting can be used, in some way or another, to cultivate more peaceful homes, regardless of your children's personalities, your specific circumstances, and the particular struggles that are unique to your family and situation.

I believe the effectiveness of respectful parenting lies in the personal growth of the parent, in the ways we, as parents:

• overcome our biases, 
• heal from our own wounds, 
• develop healthier ways of looking at children and behavior in general, 

So that we can:

• control our own responses and behaviors in a more mature manner
• destroy labels we have unknowingly, or knowingly, given our children
• change the inner dialogue we have about our children
• learn to look at our with unconditional positive regard*
• love and guide our children unconditionally, as a result

* Unconditional positive regard: a theory developed by Carl Rogers, which is to essentially accept and support a person, and to regard them positively and hopefully regardless of their actions, will likely take a lot of work.

If we are able to achieve or strive for, this kind of growth, we will see why Montessori, and respectful parenting, is so much more than an educational model, and help our children to be highly functioning, self-disciplined members of society.

Believe You Are Up for The Challenge (Because You Are)

If you feel like this way of looking at parenting is overwhelming, know you are not alone. I have a hard time sharing this, as I know it can feel like it adds more pressure and guilt to an already overwhelming load parents shoulder.

Again, I do not want to oversimplify a hugely diverse issue, or make you feel like your very real struggles and difficulties (many of which I cannot even fathom) are less than they are.

So I wanted to share some encouragement:

I believe we are all up to the unique challenges we face in our family lives, and in our relationships with our children, because I believe we are all matched to our children. In other words, no part of parenting your child could be done better by someone else.

You are the best parent for your child, and the growth you achieve through your respectful parenting journey will only better equip you for what you can already do.

And if you, like many parents, think your child is unfit for respectful parenting, or are really struggling with how to handle the overwhelming struggles and personalities that are so present in your life right now, I do think there is hope for you in the theories of respectful parenting.

It will feel like a lot of extra work and effort at the beginning, but it will be worth it in the end. At the very least, in how it helps you to remain calm and controlled, despite the storm.

In my experience, (one instance where respectful parenting has lead me to personal growth which has resulted in so much more peace):

When this child was very small, he loved and connected with his dad so fiercely at such a young age. He would often cry and cry when I would try to console him, and calm right down when he was given to his dad.

There were times this made me feel like a failure, personally attacked by the needs of my son. It caused me a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and actually a lot of resentment toward this small child, because, as my first child, I had expected the mother-child relationship to be a certain way. 

I was frustrated and disappointed because of unmet expectations.

One night it all started to change because of a choice I made.

Our son was crying and crying because I was doing the bedtime routine that night and he wanted daddy. We were trying to hold limits with our children, and it felt important we not let them dictate which parent took care of which needs. 

It was ugly, though.

But he was screaming, I want daddy in my face as I began the bedtime routine. After settling our other son down, he was finally calm. He told me he was ready for me to sing, but I felt defeated, resentful, frustrated, sad.

These kinds of feelings, naturally, make us want to lash out, to blame, to react in anger or disconnect. I wanted to storm out of that room, yelling well you didn't want me ten minutes ago, you made me feel like a horrible person, like there's something wrong with me that makes it so you can't love me like you love your dad.

But, instead, I chose to climb into the bed with him. As I began the lullaby, my voice broke down, and I began to just sob over this little two-year-old. I remember him asking me, mommy, what's wrong? Why are you singing that way?

Despite his (what felt like) hurtful behavior, I chose to love him and support him, anyway. I chose to react in a way that was bigger than perceived behavior, and behave unconditionally toward him.

My child's behavior was not what changed, in fact, even at four and a half, he is still fiercely connected to his dad, and there are still times when he can be extremely difficult, and when his behaviors could easily cause further resentment.

But at that time in his life, when it was really hard for me to love him unconditionally, I started doing something that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, and that is what changed my relationship with my child and allowed me to parent him respectfully.

In hard moments, and especially after hard days, I would pray (if you are not religious, you can easily rephrase these to be affirmations or positive mantras, rather than prayers)

Restore my relationship with my child.

Because there were times I would say to myself multiple times in a day: I hate this child, why is this child so difficult, I can't do this. 

Restore my relationship with my child, I would pray.

Restore us to a place of understanding

Help me to see my child for who he is

Help me to see his behaviors for what they are

Allow me to accept him

and help me to love him, to cherish him, for who he is

Help me to be the parent he needs me to be

These were the kinds of prayers I would pray over him, not change my child, make him better behaved, make him less difficult.

But let me accept him for who he is and let my parenting respond to that.

And I grew. My ability to see him changed, my ability to respond with calmness and confidence grew, my resentful, emotional attitudes toward him shifted toward unconditional positive regard.

This is why I have shared so many times about how respectful parenting, and Montessori, requires growth from the parent and guide. Not because I feel super comfortable telling people that this method I feel so very strongly about is going to be such a personal struggle, not because I think it is easy.

But because I know that it would have all been sabotaged for me had I not began to grow as a person, mature as a parent and embark on this journey of personal growth and learning that is helping to shape me into a respectful parent.

And I want to help other parents if they are trapped in any toxic habits or thought processes with their  own children.


Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd


As always, thank you so much for reading! For more posts on growing as a parent: Model | Becoming a Positive Parent | Why We Need Errors to Grow

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.

God bless,
Olivia Fischer

Respectful Parenting Tips and Tricks to Cultivate More Peaceful Homes (& Fight the Overwhelm)

There seems to be a prevalent level of frustration, overwhelm and burnout among parents these days. In the mom's groups, I am involved in, there are so many questions about how to discipline, how to make children listen, and jokes abound about how every night is wine o'clock.

While I understand that every parent most definitely has days of overwhelm, seasons of burnout and that life with children is unpredictable and often unrelenting, I think there are so many things we can do to create more peace in our homes.

So here are some of the tips and teachings I have come across in my learning about respectful parenting which have greatly shaped our parenthood and made our day-to-day life so much more peaceful.

What If I Heard About Montessori When My Child Was "Too Old"?

What if your child was already past toddlerhood when you learned about Montessori?

Is it too late for you to start?

I have heard this question many times, and wanted to answer it here on the blog because I feel so strongly about the answer.

No, absolutely not. It is never too late to start implementing Montessori in the home. In fact, I think you may be surprised by the way you may have already been incorporating Montessori principles in your home.

How Can We Help Our Children Reach Normalization

If you, like me, read about normalization and wonder what you can do to help your child. Or if you have a child you would describe with some of the less-than-peaceful descriptions I shared in my last post introducing normalization, and have no faith in the idea of it, know you are definitely not alone.

However, there is so much we can do to help our children develop to the best of their ability, there is so much we can do to guide our children toward normalization.

If Getting Your Child to Eat their Meals is Stressing You Out, This Post is For You

There seems to be a lot of pressure surrounding mealtimes as soon as kids are involved.

As a kid, our family rule was to try a little bit of everything and to clear our plates. Most of the time this was not a particularly negative rule, aside from the mealtimes I can remember sitting, sometimes for hours after the rest of my family had left the table, trying to eat something I really hated.

Usually, this was something to do with mushrooms.

I still hate mushrooms to this day.

Growing Closer to your Child Through Tantrums

A while ago, I shared in my post about expectations, that my ability to understand tantrums has completely shifted the way I respond to my children in the midst of tantrums. 

Today I wanted to share a breakthrough I had a little while back.

Montessori Potty Learning: From Start to Finish

In the our potty learning 2.0 series, following our second's progress as he has learned to use the potty on his own, I have discussed signs of readiness, what we do to start, how to have a no-pressure attitude, why praise and rewards are not recommended and the distinction between potty learning and potty training.

Last, in my potty learning series, I wanted to give you an overview of what potty learning looked like for us, from start to finish. Hopefully, these same steps will be successful for your child.

Following the specific needs of both our first two sons through their potty learning journey, I have found that these steps have worked wonderfully in providing both them and Tharin and I, with a positive toileting experience.

In fact, as we begin again at step one with our baby, gently introducing him to the concept of using the toilet, I am excited to go through this process once again.

Yes, excited.

If that seems totally foreign to you, I encourage you to do some research on Montessori potty learning, and find a way to make it work for your family. I promise you it will completely transform your toileting.

* This post includes affiliate links at no cost to you. The Fishies in a Row earns a small commission on products purchased through these links and are so thankful for your support. 

* This post includes affiliate links at no cost to you. The Fishies in a Row earns a small commission on products purchased through these links and are so thankful for your support. 

The Greatest Source of Frustration Between Parents and Kids (& What to Do About it)

What would you say is the greatest source of frustration between parents and kids?

Is it the communication barrier?
The fact that parenting is so thankless?
How demanding and unrelenting kids are?
The lack of sleep, privacy, alone time?
The loss of self?

What Do my Temper and my Keurig have in Common?

The other day, our son dumped a container of toothpicks out on the floor.
Twice.

I scolded more than necessary.

I knew there was no real reason for me to react the way I did. It was not helpful for our child at that moment. In fact, because I know he will best learn to regulate his emotional reactions by watching me regulate mine, it was the opposite of helpful.

Considering my reaction, and my motives - impulsive as they may have been, behind it, I came to a realization.

The World Needs My Tantruming Toddler? Let Me Explain.

The other night my son screamed at me for a good half hour at two in the morning when I got him out of bed to go pee - as we have done every night since he started insisting on wearing underwear to bed.

As he screamed on the floor, refusing to go potty and refusing to accept any of my other options, I had this startling moment of clarity.

The world needs people like this, people like him.

In that moment I understood so clearly why parenting is being called a radical act of social change.

Break Free From Mom-Guilt & Start Living a Well-Balanced Life

Tonight our son had a difficult time falling asleep and kept coming out of his room, which is completely out of character for him.

When he came out for the fourth time, I gently and firmly lead him back to his room, with the sense that he needed a little extra attention from me. So, gathering him into my lap with his blanket wrapped snug around him, I sang to him.

My big, independent four-year-old snuggled right into me, as he rarely does, and I thought about how that moment of me slowing down and choosing to be present needs to be the kind of moment I see my motherhood through.

Instead of the moment of frustration as I strapped my kids into the car. Or the dried on kraft dinner under the table.

Why do we seem to define motherhood these days by the shortcomings and struggles, taking on such a heavy burden of mom-guilt rather than defining ourselves by all the ways we are exactly what our children need simply because we are mom.

Why Creating a Bare-Minimum Schedule Will Help You Live More Intentionally

The other day I spoke about creating a bare minimum daily schedule on my Instagram account, and it really seemed to resound with a lot of other moms.

Because so many of us are overwhelmed by all the expectations of our days, of this whole parenthood thing.

I love the feeling of community that rose up around this idea. But I have also felt it necessary to elaborate.

If Teaching Your Children To Share Is Stressing You Out, This Post is For You

When I was a new mom, the concept of sharing really stressed me out.

On playdates and eventually when our second was old enough to begin playing, it seemed like a constant stream of disagreements I needed to referee, children grabbing, tears because someone was monopolizing a favourite toy,  confiscating items that were causing tension.

Being around other children felt completely unpeaceful, and I constantly felt there were situations happening that were not fair, especially with younger children who were incapable of explaining the situation or standing their ground. Let's be honest, in most situations it is downright impossible to tell who had something first, or what really happened when a disagreement breaks out, and with all the big emotions that are sure to come out, there is rarely a clear answer.

Sharing felt like this impossible concept.

At least the way I was trying to define it was.

I knew it was time to redefine.

Are We Missing the Most Important Factor For Well-Behaved Kids?

The other day I was walking up for Communion after a pretty average mass for our family. One child escaped the pew twice. One took all the hymnals out and flipped through every one of them. I nursed the baby while another child squeezed his way onto my lap as well, and there was crying. There was some pig snorting on another child's part.

It felt hectic and irreverent.

No Pressure Potty Learning (& What To Say To Your Child)

Our son seemed to be regressing in his potty learning.

Choosing to poop in his underwear when he woke up from his nap instead of holding it a few minutes to go to the bathroom.

Becoming upset whenever I mentioned going to the potty, and then peeing in his underwear.

I was missing something. So, I decided to step back and listen to his cues, hear what he was communicating.

* This post includes affiliate links at no cost to you. The Fishies in a Row earns a small commission on products purchased through these links and are so thankful for your support. 

Five Ways to Make Your Breastfeeding Experience More Positive

World breastfeeding week ends today.

I have breastfed my three kids for a combined total of thirty-one months. Almost three years.

While I am one of those people that really love breastfeeding, for the most part, it definitely comes with its ups and downs.

What Your Child Could Be Doing Instead of Using a Screen

I have mentioned before that we limit the kid's screen time, which I know can be difficult for some families, so I thought I would share some of what our kids do instead in those moments.

You know, the witching hour right before supper.
To wind down before bedtime. 
In hotel rooms.
On long road trips.
When I want to have a moment of rest.

The Respectful Parent's Guide to Tantrums: A Step-by-Step Solution

Why do we look at children's behavior as good or bad?

Why do we feel the need to label the behavior at all?

The Reason Your Child May Be Testing You

The other day as we were sitting at the breakfast table, our son slowly started inching onto the table. Looking right at me, he scooted his bum onto the table.

I will not let you sit on the table, I told him decidedly, hardly looking up from my toast.

He quietly sat back in his chair.

What Does Montessori Say About Why Toddlers Tantrum?

For a long time, our son has struggled with big emotions that would end up in these huge tantrums. 

He would scream in our face. Hit us. Lash out at younger siblings.

And I will be honest, we became more focused on stopping the behavior and training him to be well-behaved than in trying to understand him.

We tried time-outs. We tried scolding. We gave punitive punishments, like taking away a special toy. We sometimes resorted to pinching his ear or swatting his bum.

Knowing what I do now, this breaks my heart.