Are We Missing the Most Important Factor For Well-Behaved Kids?

The other day I was walking up for Communion after a pretty average mass for our family. Benedict escaped the pew twice. Jerome took all the hymnals out and flipped through every one of them. I nursed Ignatius while Benedict squeezed his way onto my lap as well, and there was crying. There was some pig snorting on Jerome's part.

It felt hectic and irreverent.

A few months ago, after a similiar mass experience, I remember walking up for Communion with a desperate plea for God to intervene with my kids. To help them be better behaved.

He didn't intervene in the way I thought He needed to.

Because, as I walked up the other day, I was hit by the startling contrast of my prayer:
Lord, help me to be in control of myself.
Intervene in me. 
Help me to see my children, and their actions, clearly.

I ultimately still want my kids to participate and be respectful in mass. I want this for every area of their lives.

But I have learned that this maturity I wish to see in them - in Montessori this is referred to as normalization, must be based on three key factors. None of which include that desperate need to make my children behave.

Three External Factors To Normalization

In Montessori, there are three external ingredients (according to Maria Montessori in the Secret of Childhood) to a child reaching normalization, each of which includes other components, such as concentration and the work cycle:

1. The Prepared environment
2. A Humble guide
3. Isolated materials

It is too easy for me to focus on the first and third ingredients, ignoring the second. Because it is personal. It is difficult.

And the other two are a lot more flashy.

The Personal Journey of the Montessori Guide

Becoming a humble guide is a personal and internal journey.

I am required to develop an attitude of calmness at the core of who I am. From this place of calmness, I am required to act with humility and clarity, to share my calm.

Only then am I able to understand and know my children as they are, so as to remove any obstacles in the way of them developing into the people they are created to be.

This is why my prayer should not be intervene with my children but rather intervene with me.

Intervene in the ways I react to my children out of prejudice.
Intervene in the ways I project untruths.
Intervene in the ways I add obstacles to their development, rather than reducing them.
Intervene in the ways I overreact, overhelp, overstep.

My children are not adapting to expectations based on bribes, threats, discipline, or pleading. They are learning through what Tharin and I model, and by what we confidently enforce. Eventually, we hope to see them respond, joyfully even, to these expectations from the place of their intrinsic goodness.

Since adults are also a part of a child's environment, they should adapt themselves to his need. [ Maria Montessori, The Secret of Childhood ]

Interpretations of Behaviour

My attitude towards the behavior I mentioned above is not embarrassment or frustration that they are not acting in a way that is perfect. My attitude is one of calm, understanding that their behavior is age-appropriate, normal, and even healthy.

A child testing a boundary by trying to run away from parents? Totally normal.
A child making themselves heard, loudly, when they are given a boundary that might not feel comfortable? Totally healthy.

(Helping our children understand boundaries and expectations in mass, such as not disrupting others by yelling and running around, is a whole other topic for another day. So we'll just glaze past all of that today.)

For those of you wondering what my observations of the behavior would be, specifically:

• Benedict testing the boundaries (of staying in the pew) does not mean he is exhibiting a mischevious personality. He needs to be reassured that we are in control, that even in this slightly unfamiliar atmosphere he is still safe and free to explore and participate within his boundaries.
• He needs to sit on my lap because, nine short months ago, this was where he spent most of his mass, and he needs to feel the security and continuity of his place in our family. If I really cannot make room for him, there are other ways I can offer him this security.

• Jerome wishing to participate as he sees so many others around him doing by looking through the hymnals is being, in no way, disruptive or destructive.
• He needs the freedom to quietly touch and explore, within the reasonable restraints of our pew, to feel comfortable and welcome in the church. There are so many ways we must respectfully limit him when we are in mass, so we are conscious of respecting this reasonable form of activity.
• Like Benedict, Jerome is not mischevious for snorting like a pig, but is simply testing the boundaries and his authority. When we act in calmness, we assure him that the boundaries we have set are important and that he is capable of acting within them.

As always, thank you so much for reading! For more posts on preparing the guide: Model | Becoming a Positive Parent | Why We Need Errors to Grow





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God bless,
Olivia Fischer