If Teaching Your Children To Share Is Stressing You Out, This Post is For You

When I was a new mom, the concept of sharing really stressed me out.

On playdates and eventually when Benedict was old enough to begin playing, it seemed like a constant stream of disagreements I needed to referee, children grabbing, tears because someone was monopolizing a favourite toy,  confiscating items that were causing tension.

Being around other children felt completely unpeaceful, and I constantly felt there were situations happening that were not fair, especially with younger children who were incapable of explaining the situation or standing their ground. Let's be honest, in most situations it is downright impossible to tell who had something first, or what really happened when a disagreement breaks out, and with all the big emotions that are sure to come out, there is rarely a clear answer.

Sharing felt like this impossible concept.

At least the way I was trying to define it was.

I knew it was time to redefine.

Not Your Regular Playdate Sharing

One day I was sitting on the couch reading when my husband came up and demanded I give him the book, that it was his turn to read. I was in the middle of an interesting chapter, but he grabbed it from me, and I was told I had already been reading for half an hour, I had had a long enough turn, and I needed to share.

Wait.

That didn't happen.

That would never happen.

In the adult world, we share all the time.

• If Tharin and I were both reading the same book, for example, we might share it by waiting until the other person is finished, or agreeing on a time when each person will have a chance to read.
• If someone is using the cream in front of us at Starbucks, we wait until that person is finished.
• If someone comes to my house and needs to borrow a jacket, I'll give them one I am comfortable with them using, and would never be expected to hand over my favourite Sunday jacket if I was not comfortable with it.
• If someone was using something I needed or wanted at that moment, I might offer them a suitable replacement.

So why do we force children to follow a sharing model that is so unnatural?

Call Me Mom, Not Referee

The entire dynamic of my children's play changed when we stopped making them share.

Yes, in our house we do not share. Instead, we developed a very simple rule. This rule is so simple, in fact, that my children can handle it on their own.

If someone else is using something, we need to wait until they are done (and no matter what, they will be done eventually.)

For example, this is how a disagreement may go if I see them struggling with resolving the conflict on their own and I intervene: (most of the time I will just hear Jerome saying, "can I have that when you are done?" or "would you like this toy instead?")

Jerome has grabbed something from Benedict, causing him to cry.

Jerome, I will not allow you to grab, as I either have him give it back or gently take it from him. Benedict is having a turn with this toy right now. If you would like to play with it, you can ask Benedict to give you a turn when he is finished. 

I turn to Benedict, will you let Jerome have a turn with that once you are finished playing with it?

And if Jerome is upset about this, as I fully expect him to be - being patient is a hard (and important) concept for children to learn, I calmly reinforce that I will not allow him to grab, hurt or yell at his brother and remind him that Benedict will not use the item forever. At this point I may suggest a trade may be offered, if this is okay with Benedict.

The Takeaway

I believe this method of sharing reinforces patience, respect, and delayed gratification for the child who must wait their turn, and consent, autonomy, respect for concentration, and generosity for the child who is having a turn. I also believe it encourages a more natural model of sharing, one they will take with them into the adult world.

Jerome, especially, has become so much more generous since implementing this rule, which was my biggest concern when redefining sharing in this way. I believe when we reinforce choice in this matter it becomes a more personal decision to share and gives them a better idea of what it means to choose generosity.

Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd





Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would love to hear from you. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.

God bless,
Olivia Fischer