Why We Need to Let Children Experience Reasonable Struggles

Benedict is two and a half.

Like any two-and-half year old, he wants to do everything himself. Which often means waiting.

While he puts two feet through the same hole in his underwear. Twice. Before getting them on, backward and satisfactorily on his own. While he pokes a hole through his toast while he carefully, particularly butters his bread.

How much more quickly the entire process would be if I just took over for him. How much less frustrating for him, and possibly for myself as well.


But to what end? What message do I give my child, what do I teach him about his worth and competence, when I over-help?

Without realizing it, an adult with his useless assistance and hypnotic influence has subsisted himself for a child and impeded his psychic growth - Maria Montessori, The Secret of Childhood.

That's Right, to Struggle is to Grow

It is only by trying, and failing, and trying again, in a word, struggling and overcoming, that children

• master new skills
• grow in persistence
• gain confidence in their capabilities
• learn to trust in themselves

This process is a crucial part of growing up, the only way that children can develop into the capable, confident, productive human beings they are created to be.

And no one else can do the work of growing up for a child, the child must be allowed to grow up for themselves.

A child must carry out his work for himself - no one can bear a child's burden and grow up in his stead - Maria Montessori, The Secret of Childhood

Reasonable Struggle Does Not Mean Forcing Our Children into Survival Mode

Of course, allowing our children to experience reasonable struggles, and to resolve them on their own, does not mean abandoning them to frustration. Not assisting a child that truly needs help could more accurately be considered forcing a child into survival mode than fostering independence.

Fostering independence entrails being at hand as the parent, as I mentioned in my post on hummingbird parenting.

I am not abandoning my child to their own devices. I am nearby observing my child, ready to offer assistance if they become frustrated or simply cannot do a task they have undertaken.

"The help that never stands in the way of [formation] is never wanting when needed, but is never over-assertive, never over-forced. [Margaret E. Stephenson]

In the instance of a child truly needing assistance, I like to be mindful to move in this direction:

1. Offer no help if your observation reveals your child can navigate a solution on their own, not every call for help needs to be answered.
2. Offer useful encouragement (i.e. you have both feet through the same hole of your underwear, you're almost there. Take out one foot and try again. I'm right here if you need me.)
3. Offer minimal physical help.
4. Take over if the child is too frustrated, assuring them that their efforts were meaningful and with a focus on what they may have learned.

Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.



God bless,
Olivia Fischer