What Do my Temper and my Keurig have in Common?

The other day, Benedict dumped a container of toothpicks out on the floor.
Twice.

I scolded more than necessary.

I knew there was no real reason for me to react the way I did. It was not helpful for Benedict at that moment. In fact, because I know he will best learn to regulate his emotional reactions by watching me regulate mine, it was the opposite of helpful.

Considering my reaction, and my motives - impulsive as they may have been, behind it, I came to a realization.

What Do my Temper and my Keurig Have in Common?

We live in a society in which instant gratification is given a lot of significance, whether we realize it or not.

If we want something we want it now, and it is pretty easy to make it happen.

Want a coffee? Press a button on the Keurig, or make an instant.
Craving some greasy food or didn't plan ahead for supper? Take your pick of the available fast food restaurants in your area.
Want to know a random fact? Hello Google.
Online shopping.
Texting.

We don't need to go get an encyclopedia or dictionary anymore. We don't need to rummage through the junk drawer for a flashlight.

We never have to be bored, with nothing to do. Waiting for a coffee at Starbucks, in an awkward lull of conversation, we have the instant satisfaction of our devices.

Our reaction to discomfort is to get rid of it as soon as possible. We want to be comfortable, we often feel it is our right.

I think our emotions play into this as well. Or at least mine do.

When I am frustrated, it is easy to feel like its my right to release those frustrated emotions in a way that feels satisfying. The pressure of frustration, anger, disappointment can come out in all kinds of unflattering ways, but it feels more instantly gratifying than trying to find a way to release negative emotions in a more positive way (such as prayer, breathing exercises, removing ourselves from the situation, giving ourselves space)

Sacrificing Long-Term Goals Because of Short-Term Discomfort

According to Psychology Today, this process is typical.

Most humans prefer instant gratification over delayed gratification, which is "the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward."

Quite honestly, self-denial - avoiding instant gratification for delayed gratification, is psychologically uncomfortable. Self-denial comes at the cost of a lot of dying to self, leaning into the discomfort, and putting effort into creating new and better habits.

And yeah, dying to self doesn't really sound like a fun time for anyone.

However, only through this relatively short-term discomfort and effort, can we ever hope to see truly lasting rewards.

Instant gratification is associated with smaller and more immediate rewards that are more self-centered, while delayed gratification will ultimately mean larger, long-term rewards that are more altruistic.

How to Apply Delayed Gratification to Become a Better Parent

For me, the choice between instant and delayed gratification seems to come up most often, as I shared above, when I am frustrated.

Too often it can feel like the answer in the moment to just let the emotions fly. The "reward" of releasing anger in this way is the not having it pent up inside of me. But the reward is relatively short-lived because it is likely that frustration is going to return, or mom-guilt and remorse will set up camp in its place.

This creates a negative and vicious cycle in my life.

On the other hand, circumventing frustration with mature emotional management means the larger rewards of:

• teaching my children valuable life skills and emotional maturity by example
• becoming a more balanced person overall as I learn to cope with frustration in a constructive way
• avoiding the guilt cycle that can keep me up at night, affecting health, emotions, and my mental state the following day

I can try and try and try to focus directly on being more patient in trying parenting moments, by I do not think that will bring me to the root of the problem. That inclination to choose what is instantly gratifying over what is truly better for my growth.

This will require an overall desire for personal maturity that seeks the denial of self, the denial of what is instantly gratifying, the denial of self-righteousness in all areas of my life.

Not eating that last piece of cake.
Not going on my phone when I feel that itch.
Turning off Netflix after only one episode.
Reading three more books to the kids instead of rushing through bedtime.
Not needing to get the last word in during an argument with my husband.
Learning to give myself space and to embrace moments of quiet.

We are psychologically trained to desire instant-gratification, but I believe we are more than just scientific beings, we are meant to grow and thrive and surpass our basic instincts.


Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd


Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.



God bless,
Olivia Fischer