Why I Do Not Believe in The Terrible Twos (and Threes)

In my journey toward more respectful parenting in our own home, I have become really aware of a label or term many people use:

The terrible twos and threes.

As I do not find these labels to be particularly helpful, I wanted to share some of my thoughts about it, as well as what I have come to understand of what Montessori teaches.

If we can stop thinking of our young toddlers with this type of label, especially when they are displaying the behaviors that have caused this label to be given in the first place, I think we will all be well on our way to eradicating a need for this term at all.

Maria Montessori taught the significance of the development of character, especially in the child of zero to six. 

This necessitates respect for the development of the child, especially during this phase of young toddlerhood. Shirley Coleman has a fantastic description of what this entails in her blog post on Independence and Character formation:

During the development of character and personality, it is important for parents, carers and teachers to treat the child with respect and cooperation, any deviations to the child’s character could be a result of an adults mis-guiding at each stage of independence, will, and character formation which can lead to behavioural problems and deviations to the child’s personality. 

By the time the child is 7 years old his/her character is fully formed, so it is important that the experiences and environment the child is exposed to are the best possible to fulfil the child’s true potential which is the birth right of every individual. [Shirley Coleman, of keeingmumtodaytonighttomorrow.wordpress.com]

Developing healthier and more helpful mindsets; avoiding labels

In general, I think we need to be more careful about the labels we pass around, which is especially true when it comes to young children. I believe in the power of words and affirmation, and labelling my child with the word terrible does not feel respectful nor supportive.

Rather than being labeled as someone terrible, effectively creating a battle of us-versus-them, I think it is so much more helpful, in the short term as well as your long term relationship, to develop a better mindset.

A child is never being terrible just for the sake of being terrible.

In fact, a child in this phase cannot understand morality, that is, right and wrong. As a result, they are incapable of willfully choosing wrong or deciding to be terrible for the sake of being terrible.

If the child is not choosing to be terrible or difficult (as we all know toddlers can sometimes be) it must follow that their behaviors are a natural response to something in their environment, a need that is not being met, an understanding that is not being made, an immature ability to communicate

Two very important realities contribute to toddler behavior at this stage.

1. An intense need for order
2. Under-developed communicative skills.

Like many toddlers in this stage, Jerome inevitably has his moments. He sometimes screams, often hits, has difficulty taking turns and does not listen the first time he is asked to do something (or maybe ever).

These could be written off as his being in the "terrible twos" but I prefer to believe these moments reflect more on the factors which are out of his control, pointing more accurately to how the parent or adult in the situation needs to respond.

After all:

The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent's behaviour. [Andy Smithson]

In short, I do not believe in the terrible twos, because I believe in:

• respecting our toddlers as fully capable human beings 
• in validifying their emotions and responses
• in being their ally in development, understanding the difficult growth their little minds and bodies are going through
• supporting and cooperating with our toddlers toward solutions, appropriate outlets, and healthy communication 

In my Experience with a highly emotional toddler

With all of this in mind, I attempt to approach Jerome's behavior with calmness, from a place of order myself - which, to be honest, can sometimes be difficult when my toddler is screaming in my face. I definitely do not always remain calm, but through a lot of prayer and practice, (and learning the calming power of taking deep breaths) I am finding it easier to be less reactionary, more intentional. Seriously, just breathe mama, your child is not a monster - more like a puzzle.


Blogger confession: something happened this morning, which, after the fact, I was glad for, as I knew it would perfectly illustrate this point I have been contemplating for a while.

Jerome was eating a snack when I came into the kitchen and noticed he had left the Perfection game on the table, allowing Benedict to scatter a few of the pieces. I reminded Jerome to put his work away after use, and asked him to take a break from his snack to help me restore order. 

He quickly melted down into an angry puddle of toddlerness. After he had had a few minutes to express his frustration, I asked him to sit with me and share why he was so upset.  

Eventually, he was able to communicate that he wanted his snack - I realized that he was perceiving that in taking him away, I was telling him he was not allowed to have his snack anymore. I had not been clear in my expectations of him. 

Assuring him his snack was waiting for him, that he was free to return to it as soon as we had tidied up, and apologizing for misunderstanding him, we moved on with our day.

It can be difficult to step back and assess a tantrum from a place of calmness and understanding, especially if it is a very regular occurrence. However, there is always a reason behind a child's frustration - random or unprecedented as it may appear.

The more often you try to understand what a child is communicating through their tantrum, the better you get at reading these situations, and the more healthy your communication with your child will gradually become.

Read more about respectful parenting and what Montessori teaches about tantrums with my posts: Why Toddlers Tantrum | this Step-By-Step Guide to Dealing with Tantrums | and Why I Believe the World Needs Tantruming Toddlers (and their respectful parents)

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.

Also, find all of my posts cataloged on the Fishies in a Row Pinterest account for easy access to some of my archived posts.



God bless,
Olivia Fischer