The World Needs My Tantruming Toddler? Let Me Explain.

The other night Benedict screamed at me for a good half hour at two in the morning when I got him out of bed to go pee - as we have done every night since he started insisting on wearing underwear to bed.

As he screamed on the floor, refusing to go potty and refusing to accept any of my other options, I had this startling moment of clarity.

The world needs people like this, people like him.

In that moment I understood so clearly why parenting is being called a radical act of social change.

Sharing my Calm and Letting the Feelings be Felt

So what did I do?

I could have forced him to bend to my will. A spanking, a threat, harsh words could have easily shortened his tantrum, and just as easily, a candy-coated distraction, a bribe, a compromise would have done the trick.

But none of those solutions are aligned with our intent for respectful parenting.

(To read my posts on what we believe about tantrums and how to handle them, go to the links provided here: What Montessori Says About Why Toddlers Tantrum, The Respectful Parents Guide to Tantrums: A Step-By-Step Solution, and Why I do Not Believe in the Terrible Twos.)

He didn't want to be comforted, he wasn't ready to be reasoned with, he didn't want to wear a diaper so he could go back to bed right away, so I let him be angry. I let him be his own person. I refused to try and break him.  

Gently stopping him if he tried to hurt me or throw, and giving him assurances that I saw him and understood his frustration, I otherwise sat back and let him be. With eyes closed, praying for calm for myself, praying to understand my son, I waited. I let him take as long as he needed.

I call this sharing my calm. I go to a space of deep calm myself so that my children can meet me there.

Eventually, Benedict did.

We were then able to talk about a solution, he went pee on the potty, and we walked hand-in-hand to his bed, where he sweetly asked me to make him cozy. As I was leaving I heard his tiny voice say, so close to sleep already I love you, too, mommy. Even though I hadn't said I loved him just then.

Hold Up, the World Needs a Tantruming Two-Year-Old? Let Me Explain.

I could have ended the tantrum, like I said before, could have taken charge. But then, there was never a time when I was not in charge. Of myself, of our well-being and safety.

In charge of the bigger picture.

I know how crucial it is for my son, and all of our children, to be able to stand up for truth, the truth we hope to impart into their lives and the truth I believe they are born with. In order for them to have this integrity, to be the strong people they are created to be:

• they need the space to safely feel and share with us
• they need to be given the opportunity to learn to manage their own emotions and responses, to be given space to learn to do this in a healthy way
• they need an opportunity to develop personal awareness, an intrinsic understanding of themselves
• they need space to learn what it is to stand up for themselves and to be respected in this
• they need us to validate their worth and personhood through how we treat them
• they need to be given strong examples of what it is to be a healthy, growing, emotionally mature adult

All without the overpowering influence of someone else telling or implying to that him that he needs to hurry up his process, that emotions are not safe and healthy, or that those who are more powerful are allowed to bully those who are smaller into submission.

This is what I mean when I say the world needs someone like my son that night as he stubbornly, adamantly stood up for his truth. The world needs children who have had their voices respected and nourished.

Why Does it Matter?

All of this is most definitely not to say that Tharin and I are perfect parents. I know I fail an overwhelming amount of times every day. But I try not to let that break me and my resolve to always, always do better.

I feel so strongly that my aiming toward perfection goes so beyond these four walls, and the children my husband and I will bring into this world. Aiming toward parenting well goes to the core of who God has called me, and all parents to be.

We are raising the future, whether we are intentional about this or not.

When we look at all this world is dealing with today, with all the terrible hurt that goes to the core of the human psyche, are we taking measures to change the narrative, change history, are we taking those moments with our screaming toddler for their full worth?

Raising emotionally healthy, radically kind, resilient and truly decent human beings starts right there on the bathroom floor.

A radical act of social change.

This parenting thing is no small beans.


Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd


Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.



God bless,
Olivia Fischer