The Greatest Source of Frustration Between Parents and Kids (& What to Do About it)

What would you say is the greatest source of frustration between parents and kids?

Is it the communication barrier?
The fact that parenting is so thankless?
How demanding and unrelenting kids are?
The lack of sleep, privacy, alone time?
The loss of self?

I think all of these are symptoms of the real problem, which I first read about in this post when Tharin and I were newlyweds.

Everyone, at some point in their life, has expectations of how they want a relationship or an experience to go. And, just as often, this expectation is not met.

The most prevalent reason for destroyed relationships is this very common reality. All too often expectations do not meet up to real life observations and the result is disappointment and frustration.

Expectations - Observation = Inevitable Disappointment

Throughout my parenting journey, I have definitely seen how true this is.

Maybe we go into parenting expecting it to be a certain way. Maybe we have expectations of what we think our kids will be like, and plans for how we will raise them.

But kids somehow manage to turn all these expectations on their head.

Because kids march to the beat of their own drums, and will absolutely remind us, again and again and again, that they are unique individuals.

The biggest drawback I have faced with seeing my kids for who they really are, and what they are capable of emotionally and developmentally, is unrealistic (and often unconscious) expectations of where I think they should be.

These expectations are often based on

• Comparing our kids to other kids
• Comparing our parenting styles to other parents
• Pride
• Misconceptions that we have carried from childhood
• Miscommunications or misunderstandings
• Triggers based on expectations and disappointments that were communicated to us in childhood
• Guilt
• Distraction

Healthy vs Unhealthy Expectations

Whatever the root, unhealthy expectations (not to be confused with the perfectly healthy expectations and limits all parents should provide their children) or being unwilling to see and meet our children where they really are, with what they are really capable of, and at their reasonable limits and developmental levels, will inevitably end in frustration and less connection.

I am convinced that joyful and fulfilling parenting can only be accessed if we suspend expectations. I am convinced that strong and healthy relationships with our children as individuals cannot be created unless we learn to let go of what we expect them to be, and truly accept them for who they are.

As such, we must learn to see our children and their behaviors through a lens of rational observation rather than unrealistic and unhealthy expectations.

In My Own Experience

We have been dealing with a variety of tantrums from Jerome over the past three years. If you have been following our blog for any amount of time, you would know this has been something I have had to really work toward understanding.

He has definitely grown and has these big emotional outbursts much less often than he used to. I see that he has grown in emotional maturity and his ability to self-regulate, and I have grown in my ability to understand tantrums.

But he still has them. And has been having them since he was one-year-old.

If you would have told me, when we first began this process of reacting with a respectful parenting approach to his outbursts, that Jerome would still be having tantrums as he does today, I would have been surprised. Maybe I would have judged the success of the method based on expectations of how the method should impact our child.

I have been caught in this expectation trap many times over this journey with Jerome.

But, removing these expectations of where Jerome should be, which inevitably leads me to frustration and acting with less understanding toward him, helps me to embrace him for the kid he is. To understand his need to feel these big emotions deeply, his inability to handle and express them in a mature way, and to see his attempts to process, to grow, and to learn these processing techniques.

This has helped me to connect with him in these moments and to really see him, rather than feeling alienated from him.

Examples of Unhealthy vs Healthy Expectations

As one last point, I wanted to give an example of some healthy expectations vs some unhealthy expectations, because, as I mentioned above, there is a difference.

• Can children be expected to clean up messes after themselves? Yes, this is a healthy and totally reasonable expectation. One you will be glad to implement.
• Can children be expected to learn to responsibly use glass dishware from a young age? Yes, children are so capable of surpassing these kinds of expectations.
• Can children be expected to do real and meaningful work around the home, like learning to run a vacuum, prepare a snack, or put dishes away? Yes, in fact, children thrive with this kind of trust and freedom.

• Should children be expected to have learned to use the potty in a set timeline? No, to place expectations on a child's natural learning curve and something we have so little control over is to set ourselves up for frustration and treating our child in an unfair manner.
• Should children be expected to never lose their temper, tantrum, or disagree with their parents? No, in fact, it is unhealthy for children to never have the freedom to express their emotions in a safe environment.
• Should children be expected to share whenever they are asked or told to, without protesting? Absolutely not. 

Read more about respectful parenting and Montessori with this post on not leaving our toddlers hanging with no | positive parenting even with a naturally short temper | and why I don't believe in the terrible twos







Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.

God bless,
Olivia Fischer