Respectful Parenting: Accepting our Children's Storms

I was sitting with Ignatius, while he screamed and thrashed in my arms. It had been one of those mornings for him. Constantly fighting with his brothers, getting upset over little details, acting a little more violently toward everyone than he does when he is feeling balanced inside.

So after breaking up yet another fight, I pulled him away from his brothers and to the living room where we could be alone together. And as if on cue, his storm burst forth.

As I welcomed his storm of emotion, let him rail against me, I thought about how I view these storms. 

To me, they serve a purpose, even while the same tantrum may seem completely senseless to many parents. Even while I know many people have seen me sitting, in a crowded Costco foodcourt, in a church bathroom, at a family gathering, and wondered at my calm allowance, acceptance, of such unacceptable behaviour.

These storms are my child's way of releasing all that may be bottled up, there is nothing more healthy than for them to do so - too many changes in schedule, a lack of sleep leaving them more exhausted than they are used to, a frustration with me for saying no or breaking up a disagreement unfairly, a miscommunication, anger, sadness. Whatever they may have gathered up, as we all inevitably do.

Maria Montessori writes about how a tantrum is an "expression of an inner disturbance or an unsatisfied need that has created a degree of tension. It represents an effort of the soul to ask a question or defend itself." Read more about what Montessori teaches about why children tantrum here.

These storms are my child's way of regaining their inner normal. Even if they don't appear to be a solution, to be helpful or purposeful, I allow my children to hurl them at me, the mountain they cannot shake, and I am reminded of last summer.

It was a difficult time of transition, a stripping down. I can remember at times just curling up on the bathroom floor, beside my Bible at night, like a small child in the arms of my Father, and just letting the tears come. It was never because of one specific cause, it always felt like this storm just bursting through the dam of my adult defences. Frustration, anger, abandonment, disillusionment, impatience, sadness. Sometimes it would feel like the storm would never pass. But then it would.

And in the wake of it, there was always this profound peace. This profound sense of wellbeing. Even though nothing would have changed, even though the tears had solved no problems, found no solutions, the very act of setting them free, hurling them all at the strong arms that held me, left me feeling at equilibrium. 

He never asked me to explain, to apologize, to be ashamed of myself for feeling so strongly, He just held me secure, in His Will always, and let me feel, let me give it all over to Him, let the storm pass in safety.

If that feeling of wellbeing I had after railing against God is anything like my children feel after they rail against me, then I welcome those storms, I accept them with a sense of my responsibility as their safe place.

I don't ask for an explanation, I don't ask for an apology, I don't lecture or teach in the wake of a storm, I let it run its course, with my child safe in my arms, and then let them rest in love, in safety, in peace, until they are ready to move past it. In this way, these storms (or tantrums) become opportunities for deeper connection with my children. The storm has done its part, I have done mine, and God, in me.

Read more about accepting children's storms with this post on a step-by-step solution for dealing with tantrums | taking resonsibility but not feeling responsible for tantrums | positive parenting even with a naturally short temper | and why I don't believe in the terrible twos




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God bless,
Olivia Fischer