Respectful Parenting is For Your Family (Even if You Think Your Child is Incompatible)

After my post about Respectful Parenting Tips and Tricks for a More Peaceful Home, I realized there may be some questions about how Montessori or respectful parenting seems to be nice in theory but that it doesn't work for all children.

Aren't some children just more energetic, curious, aggressive, erratic, or otherwise inclined to misbehavior or attitudes that are harder to control?

Is it possible that your special child is capable of breaking the respectful parenting model, proving that some children just do not fit into this theory?

Read on to hear my thoughts on why I do not agree with this.

I would hate the be guilty of oversimplifying a very, very diverse issue, but I think it really boils down to this:

Respectful parenting is not about quick tips or tricks to produce the end result of well-behaved kids who listen to everything they are told. 

In fact, if you are using this as the measuring tool for the effectiveness of respectful parenting, you will not necessarily find it to be successful, at all.

I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved.
[Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting ]

If our motivation is simply to make our children behave, we are missing the most important factor to actually helping our children reach self-discipline, to fully internalize our values and lessons. The most effective way to transmit these lessons is through what we model, and how loved and respected they feel.

Not a Quick Fix

My points in my last post were geared, not toward the behavior of the child, so much as toward the behavior of the parent.

This focus in respectful parenting is why I think respectful parenting can be used, in some way or another, to cultivate more peaceful homes, regardless of your children's personalities, your specific circumstances, and the particular struggles that are unique to your family and situation.

I believe the effectiveness of respectful parenting lies in the personal growth of the parent, in the ways we, as parents:

• overcome our biases, 
• heal from our own wounds, 
• develop healthier ways of looking at children and behavior in general, 

So that we can:

• control our own responses and behaviors in a more mature manner
• destroy labels we have unknowingly, or knowingly, given our children
• change the inner dialogue we have about our children
• learn to look at our with unconditional positive regard*
• love and guide our children unconditionally, as a result

* Unconditional positive regard: a theory developed by Carl Rogers, which is to essentially accept and support a person, and to regard them positively and hopefully regardless of their actions, will likely take a lot of work.

If we are able to achieve or strive for, this kind of growth, we will see why Montessori, and respectful parenting, is so much more than an educational model, and help our children to be highly functioning, self-disciplined members of society.

Believe You Are Up for The Challenge (Because You Are)

If you feel like this way of looking at parenting is overwhelming, know you are not alone. I have a hard time sharing this, as I know it can feel like it adds more pressure and guilt to an already overwhelming load parents shoulder.

Again, I do not want to oversimplify a hugely diverse issue, or make you feel like your very real struggles and difficulties (many of which I cannot even fathom) are less than they are.

So I wanted to share some encouragement:

I believe we are all up to the unique challenges we face in our family lives, and in our relationships with our children, because I believe we are all matched to our children. In other words, no part of parenting your child could be done better by someone else.

You are the best parent for your child, and the growth you achieve through your respectful parenting journey will only better equip you for what you can already do.

And if you, like many parents, think your child is unfit for respectful parenting, or are really struggling with how to handle the overwhelming struggles and personalities that are so present in your life right now, I do think there is hope for you in the theories of respectful parenting.

It will feel like a lot of extra work and effort at the beginning, but it will be worth it in the end. At the very least, in how it helps you to remain calm and controlled, despite the storm.

In my experience, (one instance where respectful parenting has lead me to personal growth which has resulted in so much more peace):

When this child was very small, he loved and connected with his dad so fiercely at such a young age. He would often cry and cry when I would try to console him, and calm right down when he was given to his dad.

There were times this made me feel like a failure, personally attacked by the needs of my son. It caused me a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and actually a lot of resentment toward this small child, because, as my first child, I had expected the mother-child relationship to be a certain way. 

I was frustrated and disappointed because of unmet expectations.

One night it all started to change because of a choice I made.

Our son was crying and crying because I was doing the bedtime routine that night and he wanted daddy. We were trying to hold limits with our children, and it felt important we not let them dictate which parent took care of which needs. 

It was ugly, though.

But he was screaming, I want daddy in my face as I began the bedtime routine. After settling our other son down, he was finally calm. He told me he was ready for me to sing, but I felt defeated, resentful, frustrated, sad.

These kinds of feelings, naturally, make us want to lash out, to blame, to react in anger or disconnect. I wanted to storm out of that room, yelling well you didn't want me ten minutes ago, you made me feel like a horrible person, like there's something wrong with me that makes it so you can't love me like you love your dad.

But, instead, I chose to climb into the bed with him. As I began the lullaby, my voice broke down, and I began to just sob over this little two-year-old. I remember him asking me, mommy, what's wrong? Why are you singing that way?

Despite his (what felt like) hurtful behavior, I chose to love him and support him, anyway. I chose to react in a way that was bigger than perceived behavior, and behave unconditionally toward him.

My child's behavior was not what changed, in fact, even at four and a half, he is still fiercely connected to his dad, and there are still times when he can be extremely difficult, and when his behaviors could easily cause further resentment.

But at that time in his life, when it was really hard for me to love him unconditionally, I started doing something that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, and that is what changed my relationship with my child and allowed me to parent him respectfully.

In hard moments, and especially after hard days, I would pray (if you are not religious, you can easily rephrase these to be affirmations or positive mantras, rather than prayers)

Restore my relationship with my child.

Because there were times I would say to myself multiple times in a day: I hate this child, why is this child so difficult, I can't do this. 

Restore my relationship with my child, I would pray.

Restore us to a place of understanding

Help me to see my child for who he is

Help me to see his behaviors for what they are

Allow me to accept him

and help me to love him, to cherish him, for who he is

Help me to be the parent he needs me to be

These were the kinds of prayers I would pray over him, not change my child, make him better behaved, make him less difficult.

But let me accept him for who he is and let my parenting respond to that.

And I grew. My ability to see him changed, my ability to respond with calmness and confidence grew, my resentful, emotional attitudes toward him shifted toward unconditional positive regard.

This is why I have shared so many times about how respectful parenting, and Montessori, requires growth from the parent and guide. Not because I feel super comfortable telling people that this method I feel so very strongly about is going to be such a personal struggle, not because I think it is easy.

But because I know that it would have all been sabotaged for me had I not began to grow as a person, mature as a parent and embark on this journey of personal growth and learning that is helping to shape me into a respectful parent.

And I want to help other parents if they are trapped in any toxic habits or thought processes with their  own children.


Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:

Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd


As always, thank you so much for reading! For more posts on growing as a parent: Model | Becoming a Positive Parent | Why We Need Errors to Grow

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagram where I post daily.

God bless,
Olivia Fischer