Respectful Parenting Tips and Tricks to Cultivate More Peaceful Homes (& Fight the Overwhelm)

There seems to be a prevalent level of frustration, overwhelm and burnout among parents these days. In the mom's groups, I am involved in, there are so many questions about how to discipline, how to make children listen, and jokes abound about how every night is wine o'clock.

While I understand that every parent most definitely has days of overwhelm, seasons of burnout and that life with children is unpredictable and often unrelenting, I think there are so many things we can do to create more peace in our homes.

So here are some of the tips and teachings I have come across in my learning about respectful parenting which have greatly shaped our parenthood and made our day-to-day life so much more peaceful.

1. Don't expect children to follow through on what we ask them to do just from us speaking to them (especially from across the room)

I've talked about avoiding frustration a few times, and especially believe that the greatest source of frustration is unmet expectations in our parenting.

I have found this to be especially true when it comes to expecting children to listen. When we call them across the house or room, wanting them to follow through and obey, we are welcoming in so many opportunities for unmet expectations, and ultimately, frustration.

After all, it is completely developmentally and behaviorally appropriate for children not to respond to us right away. For example, the child may be:

- concentrated and deeply immersed

- not in the necessary stage of development
- not actually capable of doing what we are asking them to do without encouragement and help

- need us to follow through so they can blast some feelings

- need to feel we are in control and are comfortable with them testing limits

For a great article on more reasons why your child may seem to be ignoring you, check out this Janet Lansbury post.

Rather than calling, and calling, and calling again, growing more frustrated as time goes on, it is so much more effective to go to where our child is, (giving them time if we do find they are concentrated if possible) and as gently as possible, physically help them through the process.

And as a bonus result, if we always follow through right away, showing our children that we mean what we say and we are committed to having our requests answered, our children are more likely to learn better listening habits in the long run.


2. Set the limit before we have a chance to get frustrated

The most loving way to say "no" is directly, confidently, and long before we become annoyed or angry. [ Janet Lansbury, Toddler Discipline Without Shame ]

This was actually a life-changing quote for me when I first came across it in Janet Lansbury's book. I know that not setting the limit early enough is one of the most common reasons I am pushed over the edge into frustration.

If  I am not tuned into the kids behaviors early enough to intervene in the necessary way to set the limit or redefine the boundary, often because I am immersed in work or am busy with a chore, this is a recipe for frustration.

Obviously, there are times when we are distracted and can't run to our children every single time something comes up, but in general, I have found that this early intervention is exactly what I need to avoid many moments of frustration.

So if the kids are fighting, running around and being too rowdy in the house, yelling in the car, nagging me for something, leaving the table during meals, interrupting, or one of the other behaviors that are particularly triggering for me, it helps to restate the boundary (such as in this house we do not run, if you feel like you have a lot of energy, you may go outside to play or if you are leaving the table during mealtime, you are showing me that you are done eating, so I will take your food away) before they have the chance to take it too far.

This way the children know clearly what is expected of them and have an outlet for the behavior and a choice if appropriate, and I am able to avoid that flustered, overwhelmed feeling that comes from exposure to triggers.



3. Understand how healthy and necessary limits are (even if they don't feel good in the moment) and get totally comfortable enforcing them

This is one that comes up time and time again.

Children may not seem to like limits. In fact, we may know that setting a limit is going to result in a meltdown, and this may tempt us to avoid the limit or change our answer to keep the peace. But, in the long run, the household will run so much more smoothly if we, as the parents, become super comfortable with setting and enforcing limits, and the resulting emotions that our child may blast as an argument to the limit.

A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response. [ Magda Gerber ]

This nagging response, this knowledge of ambivalence, will cause children to keep testing, keep asking, keep checking to see where the boundary is. (And that is the opposite of the peaceful atmosphere I am talking about cultivating in this post!) Whether they realize it or not, this is what children do in order to test if they are safe, if they are in comfortable territory, if the people they need to rely on to be in charge are, after all, in charge.

For example: 

Our children know the expectations for mealtime:

- we sit at the table until we are done our meals

- if we are not sitting, we are showing that we are done our meals and they are taken away

- we are not offered something different and are not given snacks or treats following a meal unless a significant effort was put into eating our meal

- the entire family eats the same meal

If a child did not eat their meal, for example, because they thought they would not like it, and ask for a snack soon after the meal, we restate the rule: you can have a snack once you have finished your meal. I will sit down with you and help you finish if you would like. This can be expected to bring out disappointment and frustration, of course, the child cannot be expected to joyfully respond to being told to eat a meal they have decided they will not like, but sticking to this rule has resulted in an attitude toward mealtimes that is familiar, safe, and confidently enforced.

This confident leadership is what children always need, regardless of how they may respond to limits and boundaries. It is when we respond with confident leadership, regardless of how they respond or behave, in a familiar and predictable way, that allows them to feel safe and confident themselves.

If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow. [ Alfie Kohn ]

4. Understand that limit pushing is normal, healthy, and be unphased by it

Similar to the previous point, this one is also about adjusting your mindset. In fact, I think a lot of the peace that comes with respectful parenting comes from adjusting our mindsets as the parents and preparing ourselves.

As I talk about in my post on the reason your child may be testing you, limit testing is to be expected for a few reasons, and it is never because they are being disobedient for the sake of being bad, even if they stare us in the eye as they do something off-limits.

So why do they push and test limits?

• Sometimes they need to be redirected, given an appropriate way to fulfill an inner need.
• Sometimes they are testing us like a person might dip a toe into a swimming pool. In these cases, they want to know that we are confidently in control, to have the safety of knowing their limits so that they can act in true freedom within them.

If we can think of limit testing behaviour in this way, as something we have the answer to, (okay, my child is needing an outlet or my child needs me to be confidently in control) we will feel much less flustered by them, and much more confident in how we can respond to and understand their behavior. And this is exactly what our children need, as I mentioned above, to feel more comfortable and safe, and avoid the extra limit pushing behaviors that come from not feeling that way.

5. Release yourself from the responsibility of your children's behavior, just take responsibility for your own 

And last of all, my absolute favorite quote, and one I have definitely shared before in my post on why I Don't Believe in the Terrible Twos:

The sign of great parenting is not the child's behaviour. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent's behaviour. [ Andy Smithson ]

Constantly feeling responsible for our children's emotions and reactions is absolutely exhausting and unrealistic.

I have found that allowing them to feel their own emotions and behave in a way that is appropriate for them (even if that means a tantrum, lashing out, melting down) at their best and at their worst, and training myself to respond in the way that is appropriate for me (supporting, connecting, redirecting, sharing my calm) has been pretty liberating. This ability to take responsibility for my own behavior (especially in public when the weight of other's judgement can rob us of confidence and calm, and cause us to act in a way that is not healthy and helpful toward our children) has contributed so much more peace and confidence to my parenting journey.

Developing strategies that allow me to feel confident in parenting moments allows me to be calm, to react predictably, and to just feel so much more peaceful in my role. And this peacefulness and calm is exactly what children need to feel from us.


Want to dive into respectful parenting but do not know where to start, or where to go from here? Check out some of the books that I have found most helpful:


Secret of Childhood - Maria Montessori | No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline With No Shame - Janet Lansbury | The Absorbent Mind - Maria Montessori | Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn | Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child - John Gottman, Phd


If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me. I would also love to hear any suggestions for posts you would like me to write about. And if you are interested in following along in our daily adventures, follow us on Instagramwhere I post daily.



God bless,
Olivia Fischer